Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Covering life

Life gets better, sometimes. It's cool when that happens, and you should probably be grateful. I just was prompted to renew this blog, so I guess I should post at it this year.

I consider this a good faith measure stating my intention to continue.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

I feel so unsafe

Okay, I live in a sketch neighborhood, I get that. No big deal. I'm coping, and when I'm outside I meet the world like a self-assured human who is at least moderately secure in the bounds of society protecting me. It works out, there are people outside that are mostly all friendly, I have a neighbor who is awesome and my favorite homeless guy, Carl.

"What are you going to do today Carl?" "I'm going to go panhandle a bit, then come back here for dinner." Awesome.

And it's not that the people here are bad, everyone seems pretty legit and non-murderfacey.

It's not when I'm alone. I get over that, I fill my time with optimizations and rules and ice cream and spaghetti out of a can. It's just how alone I feel when I about to go to sleep. When I crawled into bed and she turned over and grabbed me around the shoulders and chest as tight as she could, that is what safety felt like to me. Being held its what security meant to me.

And now I feel unsafe, unheld, untouched, insecure. Untouched, unloved. I miss her so much. Fucking hell.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Unhappy happy memories

I am remembering the happiest I have ever been. I had been dating mouse for a few weeks, and we had plans to do something after her school and my work. Both our days turned out to be more exhausting than we anticipated, so by the time we were together the weather was warm, the sun was bright, and we started by making out, but we were both too exhausted to do much. We ended up spending 10 hours just lying in each other's arms, wearing nothing but jeans. We slept, we talked groggily, and that is the happiest I can remember ever being.

God damnit.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

This was a mistake

I went to the Sunset to go to my favorite pho restaurant and it is awful. This is about as bad a feeling as walking past the pinball machines at the Metreon. I feel kinda sick and this is not fun.

I am not happy here. I mean, I like things here and I'm not sure I would be happier anywhere besides San Francisco, but I'm not good right now. I feel really alone.

Bald in the rain

So I shaved my head, after Mouse broke up with me. I've explained it a dozen ways, it was time for a change, I got carried away with a Breaking Bad marathon, I moved into a bad neighborhood and really just wanted to get shot, I wanted to blend in with all the skinheads, I was considering a career in criminal activities, etc. The real reason is, I went a little crazy, and I count myself lucky David talked me down from shaving the eyebrows too.

But Mouse told me, when she first saw it, that I should walk outside in the rain. Well, this evening, walking down the filthy piss-covered streets from the corner with the liquor store on it to the house across the street from the six shots fired at an undercover cop three nights ago, I don't see it. I don't feel the charm. I just have a headache and a sense of betrayal. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I just want to succeed and be an adult and not have to crawl back home after failing as an adult. I wanted everything to go so well. It turned out we just wanted different things.

Fuckin' shit sucks.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Chinese food and doughnuts!

There is a very popular formula in San Francisco that has taken me some time to embrace, but now that I have there is no going back. They are restaurants in the form of <exploitable> and doughnuts. Famous Louisiana Fried Chicken and doughnuts, Allstar Burger and doughnut (one of over a dozen different chains of burger/doughnut joints in San Francisco. You get more hits from searching "burger and doughnut" than "doughnut shop" in google maps centered over San Francisco.), and the one I visited today, Wei Lee Chinese Food and donuts.

It makes sense, I guess. Doughnuts are primarily a breakfast food, and other things can be served all day. doughnuts are made in the ultra-early hours of the morning, and the rest of food is made to order... slightly before ordering... sitting under a hot lamp all day. Another hallmark of these places, they are pretty sketch.

Anyway, back at Wei Lee, I walk up to the counter, look around, and decide it's all a little too jenky for my tastes, so I just ordered a doughnut and left. I then walked around for about an hour, buying a new glass teapot to replace the one I smashed with a bowl, completely killing my motivation to do dishes for the rest of the day, a knife sharpener, and some Pop-Pops. Don't act like you don't know what they are, they're iconic. You know, the little white things that are full of rocks that pop when you snap your fingers with them in there, or throw them at something hard, or drop them from over 10 feet onto a hard surface, or step on them, or whatever. Mouse either told me she had an epic story about having young troublemaking shenanigans with them, or that she has no idea what I'm talking about. In either case, I am not going to wake her up at 1:00AM to ask her, so I guess we'll just have to wonder.

I made my way to a dim-sum place, where I attempted to buy a sticky rice. This is what I had always referred to the rice-filled packets encased in banana leaves in Seattle. Here, I ask for a sticky rice, and they give me something bizarre and sausage-shaped with a light dusting of sticky rice, or they look at me like I asked a dumb question. I know, it's like ordering Salsa at an authentic Mexican restaurant but I live in America, I can't be expected to order Salsa Fresca con Jitomate, I just want some fresh tomato salsa. I don't think I'm nuts here.

But that's a rant, I'm at the dim-sum place and I see a green bundle of presumably rice, so I decide to ask for it.
"Can I have a sticky rice?" The lovely old grandmotherly owner lady says
"Yes, oh no we are actually sold all for today."
"Oh," I continue, undeterred. I want this sticky rice, whatever they are calling it. "Can I have one of those green things then?"
"Oh, that is a dumplings, Dumplings number 4."
"Okay, well can I have one?"
"You want a dumpling?"
"Sure, if that's what that is."
She gives me the most dour look I've ever seen. It's disapproving and ashamed, like if I asked to buy the leftovers off a previous customer's plate. "Are you sure, it's not even fresh, it's cold."
"Oh, well... are they any good cold?"
She gave me the most sad, ashamed look I've ever seen, and shakes her head.
"Oh. Okay then. Thank you." And I left.

Back at Wei Lee's, I am quite hungry and decide that a small to moderate amount of food poisoning won't kill me, so I muster courage and approach the counter.
"One scoop of fried rice... and..." He was already putting the fourth scoop of fried rice into the to-go container. You would think that they sold everything by weight, and the employees are specifically trying to get as much of the rice in there as possible. Ridiculous! I attempted to distract him before he bankrupted me with his fried rice.
"I would also like some of this red fluffy thing," I eloquently forspake, then seeing that failing,
"And some of the, uh, the brown meat-looking thing?"
"The Pork?"
"Sure, if that's what that is."
He puts the enormous container on the scale, and weighs in at 2.6 pounds. I glance at the price sign, $4.00 per pound. Awesome.
"Five twenty five."
"Five dollars and 25 cents?"

I paid the man five and a quarter dollars for two and a half pounds of food. It was surprisingly tender, though as delicious as one would expect from a place that moonlights as a doughnut shop. San Francisco has its charms, and moderately authentic, cheap Chinese food is one of them.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Hipsters and the road less traveled

"But I chose the road less traveled, and that has made all the difference." Plus I've had to deal with far fewer assholes on this road. The road less traveled has the reputation of being a more difficult path, implying some sort of Road nomad's nobility implicit in choosing it. Choosing to do something out of contrariness or a sense of superiority, often causes you to view yourself as better then other people. This implicit a sense of superiority largely contributes to why hipsters are considered with such disdain. They're willing way setting themselves apart for doing things that are merely different, not inherently superior. This contributes to the same sort of cultural segregation that served Nobles in the past, and the wealthy members of our oligarchy in the present--but is nearly self-identified, not socially imposed. This level of false superiority is what makes people hate hipsters so much.

The road less traveled is not the problem, it's a good thing, and it really helps gain a bit of insight on the rest of reality. This should never give you the idea that makes you better than other people. And hell voice typing a rambling probably typo ridden blog post doesn't make me right, it just makes me loud.