Life gets better, sometimes. It's cool when that happens, and you should probably be grateful. I just was prompted to renew this blog, so I guess I should post at it this year.
I consider this a good faith measure stating my intention to continue.
Okay, I live in a sketch neighborhood, I get that. No big deal. I'm coping, and when I'm outside I meet the world like a self-assured human who is at least moderately secure in the bounds of society protecting me. It works out, there are people outside that are mostly all friendly, I have a neighbor who is awesome and my favorite homeless guy, Carl.
"What are you going to do today Carl?" "I'm going to go panhandle a bit, then come back here for dinner." Awesome.
And it's not that the people here are bad, everyone seems pretty legit and non-murderfacey.
It's not when I'm alone. I get over that, I fill my time with optimizations and rules and ice cream and spaghetti out of a can. It's just how alone I feel when I about to go to sleep. When I crawled into bed and she turned over and grabbed me around the shoulders and chest as tight as she could, that is what safety felt like to me. Being held its what security meant to me.
And now I feel unsafe, unheld, untouched, insecure. Untouched, unloved. I miss her so much. Fucking hell.
I am remembering the happiest I have ever been. I had been dating mouse for a few weeks, and we had plans to do something after her school and my work. Both our days turned out to be more exhausting than we anticipated, so by the time we were together the weather was warm, the sun was bright, and we started by making out, but we were both too exhausted to do much. We ended up spending 10 hours just lying in each other's arms, wearing nothing but jeans. We slept, we talked groggily, and that is the happiest I can remember ever being.
I went to the Sunset to go to my favorite pho restaurant and it is awful. This is about as bad a feeling as walking past the pinball machines at the Metreon. I feel kinda sick and this is not fun.
I am not happy here. I mean, I like things here and I'm not sure I would be happier anywhere besides San Francisco, but I'm not good right now. I feel really alone.